This page is a transcription of The Stately Homes Robberies

Newspaper Vendor: "Paper! Paper! Read all about it! Another stately home robbed!"

Parker: "I brought your early morning tea, m'lady."

Lady Penelope: "Thank you, Parker. Will you pour? I'll have two lumps today."

Parker: "Very well, m'lady. Oh, er... here's the paper. Headlines are quite interesting."

Lady Penelope: "Dear me. The home of Lord and Lady Donington-Brown was robbed last night."

Parker: "They live just up the road from here, don't they, m'lady?"

Lady Penelope: "Yes. Oh, it's really quite frightening. This is the twelfth robbery of stately homes inside a month."

Parker: "Seems to me the geezer what's doing it knows what he's about, too. He only pinches the family heirlooms. The newspapers reckon they're priceless."

Lady Penelope: "Oh, they are, Parker. But why doesn't the thief take cash? He leaves contemporary works of art behind also."

Parker: "Search me, m'lady. The coppers don't know nothing. Look, there. It says er... as how they're baffled."

Lady Penelope: "So it does. It appears as though there are never any clues for them to work on, and no signs of a forced entry."

Parker: "Cor, when I was in the cat-burgling business, I'd have given half me loot away to do a job like this bloke."

Lady Penelope: "Well, we won't go into your past activities now, Parker. Do you realise that we could be the next on the robber's list?"

Parker: "Eh? Cor, he wouldn't get much here. All your valuables are stashed away in the vault."

Lady Penelope: "I know, Parker, but similar vaults in other homes didn't stop the thief. Somehow, he manages to penetrate the strongest locks, and break the most complicated combinations."

Parker: "Oh. Yeah, I was forgetting that. And he manages to knock out the automatic TV-cameras too."

Lady Penelope: "Exactly. It's almost as if... he's a phantom."

Parker: "Well, being a bloke who don't believe in ghosts, I'd say as how we ought to protect ourselves."

Lady Penelope: "I knew you'd see it my way, Parker. So, this is what we'll do. Forewarned is forearmed. You will contact your previous underworld associates, and try to discover the identity of this villain."

Parker: "Ooh, that's a... that's a good idea. I'll go and phone Fingers Fred. He keeps his ear close to the ground. If anyone knows the geezer, Fingers Fred will have heard."

Lady Penelope: "The teapot is bleeping. Hello, IR here. Lady Penelope speaking."

Jeff Tracy: "Hi, Penny. Jeff Tracy here. I heard a newsflash on TV, about the stately homes robberies."

Lady Penelope: "Yes, Jeff, it's all very worrying."

Jeff Tracy: "Yeah. Well, it occured to me the thief might choose your house next."

Lady Penelope: "Precisely."

Jeff Tracy: "I was wondering if you'd like me to send Brains across to England. He's got some pretty good gadgets that maybe could improve your security."

Lady Penelope: "It's awfully sweet of you to offer, Jeff, but I really think I can handle things."

Jeff Tracy: "Are you sure, Penny? You know, you've got some equipment in your house that many people would love to get their hands on."

Lady Penelope: "Oh, you mean the IR gadgets. Well, I don't think our robber is interested in new things, Jeff. He only deals in heirlooms."

Jeff Tracy: "OK, Penny, if you're happy.... But remember, call me any time. Brains will be over there on the double."

Lady Penelope: "Thank you so much, Jeff. I'll remember. Goodbye. Ah, Parker. What did you find out?"

Parker: "Nothing, m'lady. The underworld blokes are hopping mad, cause they don't know who the robber is! They're as baffled as the law."

Lady Penelope: "What about the booty? Have any of the heirlooms been seen or heard of?"

Parker: "Not a perishing one. Fingers reckons this tea leaf is a crank collector. Not one of us at all."

Lady Penelope: "You mean, one of them, don't you, Parker?"

Parker: "Er, yes, m'lady. Sorry, for a moment, I got carried away. Talking to Fingers brought back a lot of... old memories."

Lady Penelope: "Er, yes, quite so, Parker. But the fact remains we have no further clue to the thief's identity, and my home is still unprotected from that man."

Parker: "It looks that way, but what can we do?"

Lady Penelope: "Absolutely nothing. So, we'll go about our normal business, and hope this mystery man spares us a visit."

Parker: "Right, then I'll take the tea things to the kitchen."

Lady Penelope: "Thank you, Parker. When you've done that, will you telephone Wickfen's? There is nothing like buying a new outfit of clothes to take one's mind off one's problems."

Parker: "Very well, m'lady. Will you be staying in town for dinner?"

Lady Penelope: "Why not? Yes, I'll take in a show, and dine out. Yes, that's an excellent idea. After you, Parker."

Parker: "Thank you, m'lady."

Elaine Wickfen: "Good morning, this is Wickfen's. Elaine Wickfen speaking."

Parker: "Hello, miss. It's Parker here. Lady Penelope would like to see some of your clobber this afternoon."

Elaine Wickfen: "Certainly, Mr Parker. We'll be all ready for Her Ladyship. I have some simply marvellous new creations."

Mr Charles: "Be careful with that tapping device, Dawkins. We don't want them to suspect that we're listening to their conversation."

Dawkins: "Sorry, sir. I don't think they realise anything is amiss. It would appear, Mr Charles, that Lady Penelope is travelling to London after lunch."

Mr Charles: "Excellent! Keep listening, Dawkins, to make sure, but I think we can rely on Her Ladyship to make her trip worthwhile. She enjoys the theatre, and dinner in town."

Elaine Wickfen: "Now Cynthia, darling, please stand still. I've got to get this gown absolutely perfect. Lady Penelope is very discerning about the creations she buys."

Cynthia: "You don't have to tell me, miss Wickfen. Last month I modelled 27 dresses for her before she was satisfied."

Elaine Wickfen: "Yes, well, well, that's not for you to say, Cynthia. Her Ladyship is one of my best customers, and a very good friend. Nothing is too much trouble."

Cynthia: "I suppose you're right, miss Wickfen. When's she arriving?"

Elaine Wickfen: "Any minute now. So, darling, please keep still or we'll never be ready."

Parker: "Here we are, m'lady. Wickfen's."

Lady Penelope: "Thank you, Parker. There's no need for you to come in. I'll be needing you around 6 o'clock."

Parker: "Very well, m'lady. I don't like hanging around ladies' shops anyway."

Lady Penelope: "So I understand, Parker. I'll see you at 6 then."

Dawkins: "We'll be at the Creighton-Ward mansion in 5 minutes, Mr Charles."

Mr Charles: "Right. Switch to silent flight and get the gas capsules ready."

Dawkins: "Yes, Mr Charles."

Mr Charles: "Bring her in to a hover over the chimney, Dawkins. I'll release the capsules. Right. By the time we touch down on the lawn, the servants will be out cold."

Parker: "Did you enjoy the play, m'lady?"

Lady Penelope: "Oh yes, Parker, it was very good. And those beautiful gowns from Wickfen's... I can't wait to go the Russian ambassador's ball."

Parker: "Yes, miss Elaine sells a nice bit of cloth, don't she?"

Lady Penelope: "The best, Parker. Now, will you telephone the house, please. Lilian can prepare my nightcap."

Parker: "Right. Will you be wanting tea or cocoa?"

Lady Penelope: "Oh, cocoa I think, Parker."

Dawkins: "That's the phone, Mr Charles."

Mr Charles: "Yes, it could be Lady Penelope. We'd better get a move on. Help me with this vase."

Dawkins: "Very good, sir. Have you got all you want, sir?"

Mr Charles: "I think so. Let me check the list. Yes, it's all here. Come on."

Parker: "There don't seem to be no reply, m'lady."

Lady Penelope: "How very strange. All the staff can't be asleep. Better put your foot down, Parker. Something must have happened."

Lady Penelope: "Parker, do you see what I see?"

Parker: "Yes, m'lady. It's a helijet. It's just taken off from the front lawn."

Lady Penelope: "Exactly. And I'm not expecting visitors tonight. Parker, I do believe that we've been robbed."

Parker: "Cor! Shall I shoot him down with the cannons, m'lady?"

Lady Penelope: "Certainly not, Parker. The helijet could be a perfectly innocent caller. And on the hand, if it is the stately homes robber, he'll have some of my most valuable vases and china aboard. We wouldn't want them to be smashed, would we?"

Parker: "I suppose not, m'lady, but what are we gonna do?"

Lady Penelope: "Stop the car, Parker. Now, I put the suction microphone in my bag yesterday. Ah, yes, here it is. Loan me your pneumatic machine pistol, Parker."

Parker: "Here you are, m'lady. It's got a compressed air charge in it."

Lady Penelope: "Good. Now, I just insert the microphone in the chamber, like so, and take careful aim."

Parker: "Good shooting, m'lady! I'll switch on the receiver speaker."

Mr Charles: "Good, the darkness will stop the occupants of that car from identifying the helijet."

Dawkins: "Yes, sir. But it was a close thing."

Mr Charles: "I agree, Dawkins. I'm glad that was the last stately home on my list."

Dawkins: "You mean you've got all the pieces, sir?"

Mr Charles: "All but one fine collection, Dawkins, and you know where that is."

Dawkins: "Of course, Mr Charles. But getting the crown jewels is a bit different than the heirlooms we've stolen so far."

Mr Charles: "Different, Dawkins, different. But the most vital of them all. By this time tomorrow, my family's disgrace will be avenged."

Lady Penelope: "Switch off the receiver, Parker. I think we've heard enough."

Parker: "What's it all about, m'lady?"

Lady Penelope: "I'm not exactly sure of the reasons behind the plot, but one thing is certain: this Mr Charles has been working to a set plan, and that plan will be complete tomorrow, when he steals the crown jewels."

Parker: "Cor... what an haul that would be! Are you going to tell the coppers?"

Lady Penelope: "I don 't think so, Parker. You find it hard to believe the crown jewels could be stolen, don't you?"

Parker: "I'll say I do!"

Lady Penelope: "Then so will the authorities. No, Parker, no-one would listen to us. We've got to act ourselves."

Parker: "Yeah, I suppose you're right. What do we do about it?"

Lady Penelope: "Well, right now, we'll go home and get a good night's sleep. And tomorrow evening, we'll take a little trip to the Tower of London."

Parker: "It's a grim-looking place, ain't it, m'lady?"

Lady Penelope: "Yes, Parker, the Tower has been the centre of many turbulent events. It used to be a prison, you know."

Parker: "Ooh, do we... do we have to go in there? You know how I feel about them places."

Lady Penelope: "I'm afraid we do, Parker. That's if Mr Charles keeps to the plan we overheard him making last night."

Parker: "Look, m'lady! That's the same helijet."

Lady Penelope: "So it is, Parker. It would appear that Mr Charles is going to oblige us with his presence."

Parker: "What's the form, m'lady?"

Lady Penelope: "We'll wait a while, and give him time to get in."

Mr Charles: "Now, Dawkins, we'll come up against 10 beefeaters. Are you ready for them?"

Dawkins: "Perfectly, Mr Charles. The gas capsules will take care of them."

Mr Charles: "Right. Adjust your breathing mask, and we'll be on our way."

Mr Charles: "I'll get the locks, Dawkins. Watch out for guards."

Beefeater: "Hey! What do you think you're doing? You've got no right.... Ooh! Argh...."

Mr Charles: "Come on, Dawkins."

Lady Penelope: "Come on, Parker. I think we'll find Mr Charles has opened the gates for us."

Parker: "Yeah, and I'll bet there's a few sleeping Beefeaters about."

Lady Penelope: "Oh, I almost forgot my gas mask. Right, Parker, I'm ready."

Lady Penelope: "Quiet, Parker. There they are."

Parker: "Yeah, and they've opened the cage. They've got the crown jewels...!"

Mr Charles: "Hold open the sack, Dawkins. Very soon now, our task will be complete."

Dawkins: "And we can return to a normal way of life."

Mr Charles: "Yes, Dawkins, but this was something that had to be done. I have avenged my family. Now, I can rest."

Lady Penelope: "Where you are going, Mr Charles, there'll be plenty of time for that rest."

Mr Charles: "What?"

Lady Penelope: "No, don't move. I don't like shooting guns, the bangs give me a headache. But I'll have to suffer if you don't do exactly as I say."

Mr Charles: "You can't stop me now! I've completed the task that was set me all those centuries ago. Nothing can stop me now."

Parker: "A bullet can, mate! And Her Ladyship is a dead shot. Better behave yourself."

Lady Penelope: "Put the jewels back, Parker."

Parker: "Cor...! Do I have to, m'lady? I've never had me hands on so much loot in the whole of my life."

Lady Penelope: "Parker...!"

Parker: "Oh, very well, m'lady. Here, give me that sack."

Lady Penelope: "I'm very interested to know why you carried out these robberies, Mr Charles. By your standing, I wouldn't think greed or monetary gain was your motive."

Mr Charles: "No, the actual things meant nothing to me. But to my long-dead ancestors, the Granvilles, they were the symbols of power and wealth."

Lady Penelope: "You mean all these treasures you've stolen once belonged to your family?"

Mr Charles: "Yes, my people were once noble peers. They were stripped of all titles and property by Richard the Lionheart."

Lady Penelope: "Fascinating! But King Richard must have had a good reason."

Mr Charles: "They were convicted of cowardice during the crusades, but it was all a mistake. My family could never have run away from a fight!"

Lady Penelope: "The Lionheart was known for being a just and kindly man. I really prefer his side of the story to yours."

Mr Charles: "You're like all the rest! That's why I robbed you. The Creightons and the Wards were connected with Richard's decision."

Lady Penelope: "Oh, yes... I remember reading something about some property being distributed among the King's loyal friends."

Parker: "It's all back, m'lady. And I've locked the cage again."

Lady Penelope: "Well done, Parker. Now kindly handcuff our two friends to the grille. The police will be able to find them after we've made a telephone call."

Mr Charles: "You can't prove anything! They'll never be able to hold us!"

Lady Penelope: "Oh, I think this tape recording of our conversation will be enough to make the police search your home."

Parker: "But m'lady! Your voice is on there! Your cover will be broken."

Lady Penelope: "No, Parker. This microphone is designed to record only male voices. Brains sent it to me. Something to do with the lower octave vocal chords."

Parker: "Ooh, that's clever. Shall we go then?"

Lady Penelope: "I think so. Farewell, Mr Charles. Your family would have been proud of you. They finished up in gaol too, I believe."

Parker: "I've brought your early morning tea, m'lady. And here's the paper."

Lady Penelope: "Oh, look, Parker. The police have recovered all the stolen heirlooms."

Parker: "Oh, yes, m'lady. That bloke Charles spouted off about you catching him too."

Lady Penelope: "Really? What does it say the police made of that accusation?"

Parker: "There it is, m'lady. The fifth line from the bottom."

Lady Penelope: "Hmm... "Inspector Cedair of The Yard stated that he knew of Lady Penelope, and no gentler or more charming person ever graced the earth. The inspector added that it was impossible to associate Her Ladyship with criminals in any way." Well, well, well. After compliments like that, I can see I'll have to buy two extra tickets for the Policemen's Ball."

Parker: "As long as you don't ask me along, m'lady!"

The End